Thursday, December 13, 2007

Nightmare on 34th Street

What the fuck is with creepy pedophiles in children's Christmas movies? Villains and Heroes alike all have these plans that involve several kids blowing them to either save or destroy Christmas. The Grinch (The Benjamins has a great trailer coming along for that,) that guy without a name from Jurassic Park who plays Santa Claus in the new Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty "in your face" the Snowman, and, most unforgettably, the Snowmiser are just a few of dozens of these nut jobs. One specific scene that sticks out in my mind is that scene from Jack Frost (the 1979 claymation classic), where the Snowmiser spends about ten minutes pounding this poor child's ass on Air Force One to draw out Jack Frost (played by Harrison Ford.) Frost's Cowardice leads to the merciless execution of the child. What I don't get is, even with gruesome scenes like the one I just described, these Christmas movies have become family classics which have stood the test of time. I looked into this, and realized the answer has been right under my nose this whole time; the previews are misleading. One preview with the least integrity to the actual plot of the movie is the trailer for Miracle on 34th Street. The preview shows the film as a family drama, empathizing with this fucking psycho (the guy from Jurassic Park) who thinks he is Santa Claus and rapes the main characters daughter in a department store. Here is what they showed in theaters:

This trailer is just completely misleading and unethical. After seeing the movie, I made my own preview which held a far more accurate representation in what the movie was really about.
video
I mean, look, the movie was great. It was a well directed psycho-thriller and it has done well since its 1994 release. The issue here is dishonesty though. Would the movie have made so much money with a darker trailer? Would I still inexplicably take a child's life every Christmas Eve if I hadn't been subject to this film at such an early age? The answer is no. So what's my point? All you parents out there (if your reading my blog and your a parent, then not only are you one of my only four viewers, but there is something wrong with you) should just take a few hours out of your Christmas season to screen these films. Believe me, it'll save you thousands of dollars in therapy money you would have spent on your sons and daughters. Merry Christmas.

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