Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Lean With It, Hypnotize It

College is a place where people discover themselves and the things that will truly be their life's passion. This isn't the case here. As my friends and I grow bored with one abstract hobby or crazy project after another, we move on yet again. This time, we've stumbled upon music mash-ups.

Our group, who for now will be dubbed the Super Mash Bros., has worked on creating remixes with two seperate songs, utilizing full tracks, samples, instrumentals, and a capellas. With all of our effect, I'm sure you'll find something to enjoy.

lean with it, hypnotize it

With this little ensemble, we see the Notorious B.I.G. flowing over his track hypnotize with a little help from Atlanta's Dem Franchize Boyz, who took a break from all their snap music.

Dem Franchize Boyz vs. Notorious B.I.G - Lean With It, Hypnotize It

There are more tracks where this one came from, and eventually I'll rerelease them all in a sort of pseudo-album. In the meantime, still listen to gangsta music, my brothas.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm Out For Presidents To Represent Me

With the upcoming Presidential Primaries, interviewers are really beginning to focus on the issues that truley matter.
What are these issues you ask?

Why, hip-hop of course.

Obama goes and get's busy lettin' us know what's bumpin' on his iPod, from new to old.

"You know. [Hip-hop] tells a story. As Jay would say 'He got flow.'"
Jay-Z - Lost Ones
Jay-Z - Ain't I
Kanye West - Stronger (unreleased original verse)
Kanye West ft. Common - The Food

"But I'm still an old school guy."
Marvin Gaye - Give It Up Remix
Stevie Wonder - That Girl
Temptations - Treat Her Like A Lady
Earth, Wind, & Fire - In The Stone

"I think the potential them to deliver a message of extraordinary power."
Just thought I'd throw this track out there. Obama is on the right track, but there was a movement recently called "Stop The Violence" where rappers who typically rap about shoot outs and the like spit something a little more abstract for them. Below is a piece of the track and here's the video.
KRS-One ft. Nelly, The Game - Self Construction

Friday, December 14, 2007

Ghosts: As Told By The Benjamins


Little is known about them, but one thing is absolutely certain; they are everywhere. A surprising number of paranormal sightings take place everyday. I don’t know what that number is, but were I to find out, I would no doubt be surprised. I found various lists of the “most haunted” places in America readily available online. I also found one list of the least haunted places, which it turns out are the Duncan Public Library in Oklahoma, a CVS in northern Maine, and the ranch style home of a man named Roger Stanwick.One of the most haunted places in America is the Eastern State Penitentiary in Pennsylvania, where I found shocking reported activity, like “An eerie shadow-like figure that scoots quickly away when approached”, and “An evil cackling reportedly comes from cellblock 12.” Eerie and evil cackling. I’m not sure if it’s even possible to talk about ghosts in your normal vocabulary. You have to slip into the speaking style of the narrator of an Ed Wood movie. This does, however, give us insight into the behavior of ghosts. Fitting with most other ghost sighting stories, it appears that they just kinda chill there, and speed away when someone comes looking. Sometimes they chill there and randomly cackle. I imagine a conversation between two ghosts would go something like this:

Ghost A: (evilly) MWAHAHAHA
Ghost B: dude what the hell
Ghost B: Are you cackling? Is that what that is? Stop, you’re gonna make people come over and I’ll hafta disappear.
Ghost A: ..ahaha..ha..haha..ha..whew. Sorry, I was thinking of that time Rob tried to haunt that one chicks house last month
Ghost B: Oh yeah, that was hilarious! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The two ghosts. I think Ghost A is on the left.

Another common ghost sighting involves the movement of furniture. This one makes little sense. Why do ghosts want to break into your house and feng shui your shit? Big deal, your furniture has been rearranged. The same thing happens when your sister’s gay friend Ramon visits. Most importantly, ghosts for some reason never do anything important. They don’t really have anything to say. The most common sightings are civil war guys, or ancient murder victims, or insane asylum patients. What’s the point in contacting us? Think about the conversations we’d have. For one thing they would probably all start with the ghost saying OOoooOOOooo.
Civil War Ghost: OOoooOOOooo
Guy: What the fuck?!
Civil War Ghost: I am Captain Joseph H. Charlesworth.
Guy: …
Civil War Ghost: I died in the great strife betwixt north and south that pit brother against brother.
Guy: Wow, the civil war? Really?
Civil War Ghost: Yeah. It was... It was bad.
Guy: I bet.
Civil War Ghost:…
Civil War Ghost: So…
Guy: So…
Civil War Ghost: Soooooo, Wanna watch TV or something?
Guy: um, yeah, actually I was kinda sleeping when you showed up, so I might just do that.
In conclusion, don’t write off the existence of ghosts because you haven’t seen or heard one. They might just not have anything important to do or say. Never forget, ghosts are fascinating entities sort of, and if they exist, they may but probably don’t play a vital role in society.

Ghosts still face prejudice in today's society. In the some areas, signs like this still hang over certain waterfountains.

The Ghost of Christmas Past from the Patrick Stewart 'A Christmas Carol', considered by many to be the gayest ghost of all time.

Ghosts often do battle with men in tan janitorial uniforms

A Ghostface Killah, above, and ghostridin' the whip, below, not to be confused with actual ghosts.

Just When I Thought I'd Given Up on the Internet...

Have finals got you down? Are you having troubles with the love life? Did it just sink in that your going to be spending Christmas Eve alone with Jim Beam? Look, Man. Suicide isn't the best option. Well... it's probably a pretty decent option, but certainly not the best one. Before you shove your head into the oven, just watch this video and watch your all woes disappear...

Cheer up... you live in a world where this is hilarious....

Thursday, December 13, 2007

How the Grinch Killed Everyone

In the quiet town of whoville, everybody loves Christmas.
But high up in the mountains, someone-something does not.
Some say he's a myth.
Some say he's just a reclusive who, driven mad by the noise, noise, noise, noise.
Others say he is pure evil.
From his dark cave he watches, and he waits.

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
It doesn't matter if you've been bad or good.
You're life, he's going to take.

In Theaters This Christmas

Nightmare on 34th Street

What the fuck is with creepy pedophiles in children's Christmas movies? Villains and Heroes alike all have these plans that involve several kids blowing them to either save or destroy Christmas. The Grinch (The Benjamins has a great trailer coming along for that,) that guy without a name from Jurassic Park who plays Santa Claus in the new Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty "in your face" the Snowman, and, most unforgettably, the Snowmiser are just a few of dozens of these nut jobs. One specific scene that sticks out in my mind is that scene from Jack Frost (the 1979 claymation classic), where the Snowmiser spends about ten minutes pounding this poor child's ass on Air Force One to draw out Jack Frost (played by Harrison Ford.) Frost's Cowardice leads to the merciless execution of the child. What I don't get is, even with gruesome scenes like the one I just described, these Christmas movies have become family classics which have stood the test of time. I looked into this, and realized the answer has been right under my nose this whole time; the previews are misleading. One preview with the least integrity to the actual plot of the movie is the trailer for Miracle on 34th Street. The preview shows the film as a family drama, empathizing with this fucking psycho (the guy from Jurassic Park) who thinks he is Santa Claus and rapes the main characters daughter in a department store. Here is what they showed in theaters:

This trailer is just completely misleading and unethical. After seeing the movie, I made my own preview which held a far more accurate representation in what the movie was really about.

I mean, look, the movie was great. It was a well directed psycho-thriller and it has done well since its 1994 release. The issue here is dishonesty though. Would the movie have made so much money with a darker trailer? Would I still inexplicably take a child's life every Christmas Eve if I hadn't been subject to this film at such an early age? The answer is no. So what's my point? All you parents out there (if your reading my blog and your a parent, then not only are you one of my only four viewers, but there is something wrong with you) should just take a few hours out of your Christmas season to screen these films. Believe me, it'll save you thousands of dollars in therapy money you would have spent on your sons and daughters. Merry Christmas.

Relax and Take Notes


I'm sure you all remember growing up with those commercials letting you know the danger of drugs and showing you how "everyday people" like yourself avoided drugs, be it family, friends, school, sports, whatever.

There's a problem with this never ending campaign against drugs though, and no, it's not the Mexicans, Trey. The name of the enemy is pop culture - the Penguin to our Batman, the Lex Luther to our Superman, and the Doc Octopus to our Spidey. Unlike those comic book match ups, though, pop culture will never lose. It's everywhere, and it's cherished.

Who doesn't like the movies like Half Baked, How High, and Cheech and Chong. Regardless of your stance on marijuana, these are funny movies that our youth is indulging in. Here's a clip from the comedy movie, Walk Hard:

There is twenty years of anti-drug progress down the drain. I also have an issue with the direction of some of these commercials. An organization called Above The Influence airs commercials where apparent users of different demographics are approached by there loved ones to stop smoking. Here is their newest commercial.

Now, I'm just being honest, but if a pot head's dog talked to them while they were high, I don't think it would stop them from smoking. They'd respond with a "Duuuude, Rex just talked to me. Lemme hit that again," and it would make them smoke more. Now, I leave you with some work by popular music artists that do all but discourage one from abstaining.

Afroman - Because I Got High
Afroman - 12 J's Of Christmas
Ludacris ft. Lil' Flip - Screwed Up
Method Man - 4:20
Sean Paul - We Be Burnin'

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Now I Ain't Sayin' She a Gold Digga'

I really hate this time of year. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is a sweet holiday and all. What's brought out this hate out though, is simple. As if it’s not bad enough that already we have to deal with complaints over our decorations and carols (we created this season, assholes. Do some research, your holidays incorporated a present system in response to ours,) recently, we've had to deal with a terrible plague. A plague called Jewelry store advertisements. You know the names:

Kay Jewelers

Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I don't even have to go into detail about the bullshit love scene between these two people. Fuck them. What's encouraging about this commercial is the creativity of their perv son. He w
ants to get his dick wet too. So what does he do? No, He doesn't go spend hundreds of dollars on some piece of shit necklace, he makes his own Kay box and probably puts a stolen necklace in it. Good job, Kid.
We've all heard it, "Every kiss begins with Kay." The very phrase says a lot about Kay’s customers and their inability to satisfy their dyke of a wife . What they don't tell you in this memorable little jingle is what happens next. Within hours of your first Kay purchase
, your penis falls off. Well, Okay (jewelers), not really, thats a lie, but it should... you pushover bitch. I couldn’t get a clip of Kay's main Christmas commercial for this year but here’s how it went:
(A young couple is looking through a Christmas tree lot)
Pathetic Asshole: How about this one over here?
(Uptight Dyke notices a Kay Jewelers box under the tree)
Pathetic Asshole: Is this the one?
Uptight Dyke: No... (Gets close to Pathetic Asshole) THIS is the one...
Pathetic Asshole: Can I maybe have a hand job now?
Uptight Dyke: Haha aww… Not a chance.
(“Every kiss begins with Kay" song cues in as
Pathetic Assholes penis falls off)
How desperate do you have to be to take it to that level? Kay Jewelers… more like... gay jewelers.

Jared The Galleria of Jewelry
“He went to Jared!” Ten seconds of one of the Jared commercials makes me feel like I need to go take a shower... and get checked with a doctor. The message of these commercials is this: “Don’t shop at Jared or your hair will immediately slick back with grease, you’ll lose any previously held moral tenants, and your wife will turn into a gold digging whore... seriously we're the owners and we're telling you not to shop here... you can still get away...” Searching "Jared the Galleria of Jewelry" on Google only turned up about six results, mostly links to YouPorn that slipped through the filter. That was with moderate safe search turned on. After turning it off, I tried again, and was bombarded with hundreds of thousands of results. This is just the first page:

On a side note, check out that "Little Lupe" site on the bottom, not bad...

After wading through a screen full of pop-ups, I was finally able to find one screen shot I remembered from the commercials:

"Do you have brothers?"

Zales: The Diamond Store
I've based much of my life's philosophy on "A Thousand Miles." I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by idly and watch while Zales taints such a beautiful work of art with this commercial. Vanessa Carlton's playful melodies and ingenious lyrics were meant for one thing: crying and masturbating. "But aren't those two different things?" If this thought crossed your mind at all, then I can tell you that you have not been masturbating properly. What the talented Ms. Carlton's lyrics AREN'T meant for is playing in the background while some chunky douche bag gets caught digging through his neighbors underwear drawer:

Take that fucking goofy look of your face, sicko, the cops are already on their way.

If there is one thing that this commercial does extremely well, it's depicting what you are if you buy your wife/girlfriend/stalking subject a Zales product. A chunky douche bag. Nice effort, Zales, but that whole Vanessa Carlton thing is unforgivable.

I hate these commercials, I hate the companies who air them, I hate the people who buy into them, and most of all, I hate what they have done to our celebration of the Christ's birth. Today is your first and only warning, stupid jewelry store advertisers. Please don't test my patience come Valentines Day, for that will be your Day of Shreckoning.