Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Now I Ain't Sayin' She a Gold Digga'

I really hate this time of year. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is a sweet holiday and all. What's brought out this hate out though, is simple. As if it’s not bad enough that already we have to deal with complaints over our decorations and carols (we created this season, assholes. Do some research, your holidays incorporated a present system in response to ours,) recently, we've had to deal with a terrible plague. A plague called Jewelry store advertisements. You know the names:

Kay Jewelers

Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I don't even have to go into detail about the bullshit love scene between these two people. Fuck them. What's encouraging about this commercial is the creativity of their perv son. He w
ants to get his dick wet too. So what does he do? No, He doesn't go spend hundreds of dollars on some piece of shit necklace, he makes his own Kay box and probably puts a stolen necklace in it. Good job, Kid.
We've all heard it, "Every kiss begins with Kay." The very phrase says a lot about Kay’s customers and their inability to satisfy their dyke of a wife . What they don't tell you in this memorable little jingle is what happens next. Within hours of your first Kay purchase
, your penis falls off. Well, Okay (jewelers), not really, thats a lie, but it should... you pushover bitch. I couldn’t get a clip of Kay's main Christmas commercial for this year but here’s how it went:
(A young couple is looking through a Christmas tree lot)
Pathetic Asshole: How about this one over here?
(Uptight Dyke notices a Kay Jewelers box under the tree)
Pathetic Asshole: Is this the one?
Uptight Dyke: No... (Gets close to Pathetic Asshole) THIS is the one...
Pathetic Asshole: Can I maybe have a hand job now?
Uptight Dyke: Haha aww… Not a chance.
(“Every kiss begins with Kay" song cues in as
Pathetic Assholes penis falls off)
How desperate do you have to be to take it to that level? Kay Jewelers… more like... gay jewelers.

Jared The Galleria of Jewelry
“He went to Jared!” Ten seconds of one of the Jared commercials makes me feel like I need to go take a shower... and get checked with a doctor. The message of these commercials is this: “Don’t shop at Jared or your hair will immediately slick back with grease, you’ll lose any previously held moral tenants, and your wife will turn into a gold digging whore... seriously we're the owners and we're telling you not to shop here... you can still get away...” Searching "Jared the Galleria of Jewelry" on Google only turned up about six results, mostly links to YouPorn that slipped through the filter. That was with moderate safe search turned on. After turning it off, I tried again, and was bombarded with hundreds of thousands of results. This is just the first page:

On a side note, check out that "Little Lupe" site on the bottom, not bad...

After wading through a screen full of pop-ups, I was finally able to find one screen shot I remembered from the commercials:

"Do you have brothers?"

Zales: The Diamond Store
I've based much of my life's philosophy on "A Thousand Miles." I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by idly and watch while Zales taints such a beautiful work of art with this commercial. Vanessa Carlton's playful melodies and ingenious lyrics were meant for one thing: crying and masturbating. "But aren't those two different things?" If this thought crossed your mind at all, then I can tell you that you have not been masturbating properly. What the talented Ms. Carlton's lyrics AREN'T meant for is playing in the background while some chunky douche bag gets caught digging through his neighbors underwear drawer:

Take that fucking goofy look of your face, sicko, the cops are already on their way.

If there is one thing that this commercial does extremely well, it's depicting what you are if you buy your wife/girlfriend/stalking subject a Zales product. A chunky douche bag. Nice effort, Zales, but that whole Vanessa Carlton thing is unforgivable.

I hate these commercials, I hate the companies who air them, I hate the people who buy into them, and most of all, I hate what they have done to our celebration of the Christ's birth. Today is your first and only warning, stupid jewelry store advertisers. Please don't test my patience come Valentines Day, for that will be your Day of Shreckoning.

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