Friday, December 14, 2007

Ghosts: As Told By The Benjamins


Little is known about them, but one thing is absolutely certain; they are everywhere. A surprising number of paranormal sightings take place everyday. I don’t know what that number is, but were I to find out, I would no doubt be surprised. I found various lists of the “most haunted” places in America readily available online. I also found one list of the least haunted places, which it turns out are the Duncan Public Library in Oklahoma, a CVS in northern Maine, and the ranch style home of a man named Roger Stanwick.One of the most haunted places in America is the Eastern State Penitentiary in Pennsylvania, where I found shocking reported activity, like “An eerie shadow-like figure that scoots quickly away when approached”, and “An evil cackling reportedly comes from cellblock 12.” Eerie and evil cackling. I’m not sure if it’s even possible to talk about ghosts in your normal vocabulary. You have to slip into the speaking style of the narrator of an Ed Wood movie. This does, however, give us insight into the behavior of ghosts. Fitting with most other ghost sighting stories, it appears that they just kinda chill there, and speed away when someone comes looking. Sometimes they chill there and randomly cackle. I imagine a conversation between two ghosts would go something like this:

Ghost A: (evilly) MWAHAHAHA
Ghost B: dude what the hell
Ghost B: Are you cackling? Is that what that is? Stop, you’re gonna make people come over and I’ll hafta disappear.
Ghost A: ..ahaha..ha..haha..ha..whew. Sorry, I was thinking of that time Rob tried to haunt that one chicks house last month
Ghost B: Oh yeah, that was hilarious! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The two ghosts. I think Ghost A is on the left.

Another common ghost sighting involves the movement of furniture. This one makes little sense. Why do ghosts want to break into your house and feng shui your shit? Big deal, your furniture has been rearranged. The same thing happens when your sister’s gay friend Ramon visits. Most importantly, ghosts for some reason never do anything important. They don’t really have anything to say. The most common sightings are civil war guys, or ancient murder victims, or insane asylum patients. What’s the point in contacting us? Think about the conversations we’d have. For one thing they would probably all start with the ghost saying OOoooOOOooo.
Civil War Ghost: OOoooOOOooo
Guy: What the fuck?!
Civil War Ghost: I am Captain Joseph H. Charlesworth.
Guy: …
Civil War Ghost: I died in the great strife betwixt north and south that pit brother against brother.
Guy: Wow, the civil war? Really?
Civil War Ghost: Yeah. It was... It was bad.
Guy: I bet.
Civil War Ghost:…
Civil War Ghost: So…
Guy: So…
Civil War Ghost: Soooooo, Wanna watch TV or something?
Guy: um, yeah, actually I was kinda sleeping when you showed up, so I might just do that.
In conclusion, don’t write off the existence of ghosts because you haven’t seen or heard one. They might just not have anything important to do or say. Never forget, ghosts are fascinating entities sort of, and if they exist, they may but probably don’t play a vital role in society.

Ghosts still face prejudice in today's society. In the some areas, signs like this still hang over certain waterfountains.

The Ghost of Christmas Past from the Patrick Stewart 'A Christmas Carol', considered by many to be the gayest ghost of all time.

Ghosts often do battle with men in tan janitorial uniforms

A Ghostface Killah, above, and ghostridin' the whip, below, not to be confused with actual ghosts.

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